Musings

a different way of life

We are entering week 16 at the LSE, and that means the final quarter of the year. Where did time go? I am finally putting on my game face and am finally feeling the pressure of life in this “real” world. There seems to always be something going on – places I need to be, things I need to do, people I need to see. I find myself running around meeting various obligations and questioning what all the busying around is for. I no longer have time to think, to feel and to be, those were the luxury of life in Cameroon.

When I sit in development classes and hearing discussions of democracy, institutions and economic development, all I can really think about is the simplicity of my life in village. After two years of living au village, I’m extremely conflicted between modern world efficiency and the things you have to give up to reach such level of efficiency – a real community, nature, appreciating simply being alive, etc.

I don’t want to live in the past, so I am attempting to move forward. Despite all of my nostalgia, I’m putting myself out there to get my hand on the corporate ladder, to get with the program and remembering what it takes to “succeed” in this world. But when I walk around the LSE campus seeing people stressing out and discussing the horrible consequence of not getting a job with a top 15 investment bank or consulting firm, I feel sad for them. Don’t they see that there is so much more to life?

I miss living a life that always has a purpose. Peace Corps advertises itself as “the toughest job you’ll ever love”, and it’s true. It’s tough in a very different way. Living in such different environment, I was in touch with my deepest strengths and weaknesses. Yet even during my lowest moments, I could find purpose by having one simple conversation with a villager. There is something profound about the ability to change lives not through any noble act, but simply being present and converse.

Day in and day out now, I follow the motion of grad school grind, and during the low days here, I don’t know where to find inspiration and to feel purposeful again. So I look back to my pictures and draw inspiration from the past. It’s easy to become suffocated by the conventional societal pressure. But it’s important to remember, especially under high stress situations, that expectations are relative. I can only do my best to find a purpose in life for me.

Today, I miss Cameroon. They come in waves. But tomorrow is another day. Moving on, moving forward.

In between the library and my shoebox room, I did manage to do some fun things and I’ll share them in due time.

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Today marks 6 months since I left Cameroon. So strange. That life feels so so far away now. I was going though my old tweets and laughed out loud at some of the ones I had produced. They also humble me and remind me of that state of mind – much simpler, less stressed, just happy to have the very simple things in life.

The last market day I visited in Batié

I figured, to commemorate, I’d take you back in Tweets from my last days in village up through the first weeks of reverse culture shock!

Last Week in Village

13 Jul: oh man. last night in village. couldn’t hold it together at the bar saying goodbye to friends. teary mess. #PeaceCorps

13 Jul: How I spent my last day in village: http://bit.ly/dmda2J #PeaceCorps #Cameroon

13 Jul: a dog, or a cat, or some animal just walked into my back door & then left. scared the crap out of me! even on my last day! #PeaceCorps

13 Jul: so it was a puppy that came into my house. he came back AGAIN & this time sat in my laundry room. scared me again. #PeaceCorps

13 Jul: hmm.. this puppy is just hanging out in my backyard now. I sorta like him. too bad I’m leaving. #PeaceCorps

14 Jul: taxi dude is here to pick me up. he’s actually half an hour EARLY. good sign. here goes nothing! bye bye village. #PeaceCorps

Last Week in Cameroon

16 Jul: all done with village! last week in y’de to make sure I didn’t catch any weird diseases. #PeaceCorps

21 Jul: free of strange diseases! two more days au cameroun. very bizarre. #PeaceCorps

23 Jul: flying out of #Cameroon in less than 3 hours! Last week with my #PeaceCorps loves: http://bit.ly/9Oj3a3

23 Jul: oh dear, received intro reading list from the LSE for grad school. rude awakening as I get ready to board the flight for the US! #PeaceCorps

23 Jul: au revoir, cameroun. hello, USA!

First month in the USA

24 Jul: omg I’m in America! waiting for my connecting flight to St. Louis @ Philly Intl. this is blowing my mind! #PeaceCorps #ReverseCultureShock

24 Jul: First of many posts on my reverse culture shock: Out of Africa http://bit.ly/9fxESo #PeaceCorps

24 Jul: Internet is SO fast in the USA! #reversecultureshock

25 Jul: I went to Target earlier and couldn’t pick what kind of potato chips to buy… the choices are overwhelming. #reversecultureshock

25 Jul: incredibly ironic that on my 1st night back, no power at my parents’ house after a big storm. mom said I brought Africa back!

25 Jul: drove for the 1st time in over 2 yrs. it really is like riding a bike. not too scary.

25 Jul: visited Sam’s Club just now. they call the US the land of excess for a reason. crazy. #reversecultureshock

26 Jul: Cameroon is already slipping fast away into a surreal dream, and I’ve only been back for one full day. #PeaceCorps

26 Jul: tackling this day in the real world alone. so strange. #reversecultureshock

26 Jul: forgot that bars check for IDs here. funny.

26 Jul: my parents’ cable TV is ridiculous! SO many channels!

26 Jul: I’ve completely forgotten about paper towel – what a marvelous thing! #reversecultureshock

26 Jul: toast & toasters are AMAZING! sliced bread in a machine that pops up? holy cow. #reversecultureshock

27 Jul: going through all of my possessions. boy, do I have a lot of crap. 2 yrs in the #PeaceCorps makes me realize how little I actually NEED.

27 Jul: have I already mentioned how amazing microwave is?! #reversecultureshock

27 Jul: cameroun me manque déjà… *sigh* #PeaceCorps

27 Jul: How I’m dealing with #ReverseCultureShock post #PeaceCorps : America, the Land of Plenty http://bit.ly/c0gyWj

27 Jul: it’s so nice to be able to click on youtube videos and not having skip them! #reversecultureshock

27 Jul: checking out hulu.com for the first time. whoaaaaa this is amazing!!!! #ReverseCultureShock

27 Jul: um… how do I use this oven? so complicated…

27 Jul: just saw an ad for a tv show that consists of men eating an exorbitant amount of food. why is that necessary?! #reversecultureshock

27 Jul: online shopping is AMAZING. I can take as long as I want to make a choice & not feel panicky! #ReverseCultureShock

27 Jul: whoa. strange that it was pouring rain outside and I heard nothing inside the house. no more tin roof.

28 Jul: great to talk to my #peacecorps friends. looking fwd to many reunions. so glad they were there w/ me & are now going through the same things

28 Jul: common consensus among my #PeaceCorps friends who’ve just returned to the US: Americans as a whole are fat and flabby.

29 Jul: oh boy, this iPod touch is CRAZY! it’s like a mini computer! I’m going to really freak out when the macbook arrives. #ReverseCultureShock

29 Jul: This is crazy! I’m waiting at the dentist office and I can tweet! Blowing my mind !

3 Aug: I think my body is rejecting the large quantity of cheese that I’ve been consuming since coming home.

5 Aug: i’m not gonna lie. it’s pretty nice to be able to order ridiculous drinks at @starbucks again!

6 Aug: Hmmm.. I forgot how to pack for a world where wearing the same outfit 3-5 days in a row is frowned upon… I’m not en afrique anymore.

9 Aug: Being able to drink water from the tap is AMAZING!

14 Aug: Heard a lady on the bus to DC spoke Pidgin earlier! So nostalgic. #peacecorpsf

15 Aug: progress on my #reversecultureshock post #PeaceCorps: au village no more http://bit.ly/aLvxB6

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This morning, I woke up to a link in my Inbox to 20/20′s 3-part report on the Peace Corps. The piece discusses the lack of proper support and response to the murder of Kate Puzey and later a segment of women who were sexually assaulted and/or raped during their service. I was extremely saddened by this report and can definitely understand the anger and frustration these women have toward the Peace Corps. However, while I am glad the report has raised issues of mismanagement within the organization, it also took away so many positive aspects of what it stands for. Most people already only have a vague idea of what the Peace Corps is about, and a report as such aired on national television will only drive people away further.

If you ask anyone from my Peace Corps training group, they will tell you that I was one of the most critical individual toward Peace Corps Admin. in the beginning of my service. I did not always love the Peace Corps and want everyone to sign up. Coming from a business background, I was astounded by various levels of inefficiency. I complained about the language training, the ridiculous rules, the lack of support on projects, the inefficient disbursement of our living allowances, and the list went on and on. I think some of my PC friends are surprised that today I’m one of the biggest advocates.

What changed my attitude? Well, my two years of living in the country. I associated very little of myself with Peace Corps during the first year. I spent a lot of time with French and volunteers of other nationalities. Through them, I realized that Peace Corps actually take care of us really well. My French friends were envious of our health care access, and sometimes made fun of our overly stringent security rules. When I complained about inefficiency, they gave me their stories that were much worse. I realized these complaints are simply the realities of large organizations, especially within a developing country.

Peace Corps is a large organization that currently operates in 77 countries with over 8,500 volunteers serving. You can imagine the level of bureaucracy that takes place; furthermore, it is a government agency, so inefficiency is unfortunately inherent. When we get frustrated, we often don’t know who to blame, so we blame “the Peace Corps”. But when it comes down to it, like any large-scale organization, problems cannot be generalized across the board. It is also important to remember that Peace Corps hires a lot of HCNs (Host Country Nationals) and there are usually a lot of bureaucracy involved in these countries (definitely the case in Cameroon). Firing bad employees is often very difficult and has to be handle extremely delicately (as in Kate’s case).

Within a country, the County Director (CD) has the most authority and is the person that decides on how situations are handled. While in Cameroon, I experienced two different country directors and there were stark changes among staff and the general operations of Peace Corps Cameroon. I experienced a serious security incident with other volunteers and I was thoroughly impressed with the way things were handled. We agreed the situation would’ve been dealt with much differently under the previous Country Director. This all lead me to believe that poor management of unfortunate incidents as discussed in the 20/20 report were due to inadequate leadership within these Peace Corps countries.

While it is important that these management issues are addressed and the pressure is put on the Agency to improve and change its policies, I have an incredibly difficult time dealing with these very negative image that this report portrays on the Peace Corps experience. To an average American who knew little of the Peace Corps before, they now will think, “oh, you are going to go live in a hut in the middle of no where with no resources AND you will probably get raped and killed? That’s insane. No thanks.”

The reality is, Peace Corps takes safety and security extremely seriously. So much so, we often felt like we were being over-protected. Before we even get on the plane, we went through sessions where we were made aware of cases of robbery, rape, and various unfortunate events. Peace Corps gave us the statistics that were definitely downright frightening to a group of people who had little idea on what they were getting themselves into. Throughout our training and the rest of our service, safety and security were top priority and measures were taken in every way possible.

In Cameroon, it was mandatory to always wear a helmet when taking a moto bike, to always report your whereabouts, to avoid being out alone at night, to not travel to designated dangerous areas of the country, etc. For a group of mostly 20-somethings, we found the rules absurd. We hated being told what to do. Once we became integrated into our communities, we got comfortable and trusted people in our community and thus let our guards down. Through two years of living there, I realize one big part about the experience is finding the right balance between too much trust vs. not being open enough while living among a culture of people so incredibly different from me.

One joins the Peace Corps knowing that anything can happen – there is no guarantee. I am deeply sorry for those volunteers who have experienced much worse incidents and have not received proper support. There are no excuses for the lack of support and poor handling of situations by the Peace Corps. The Agency should have used this opportunity to do some damage control and apologize. Despite all of my frustration with the organization during my service, I am proud to have been a Peace Corps Volunteer and would do it over again. I can’t stress enough that these extreme experiences and grossly inadequate support only happen to a small percentage of volunteers. There are so many extremely positive factors that go into the Peace Corps experience and this report in no way accurately represents what most of us experience. I think it’s important for the general public to realize this.

To end, I present you with the current Peace Corps Director Aaron Williams’ response to the report.

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This week while in Tunisia, a part from a few international text messages, I unplugged myself from technology, making the getaway a true break. It was incredible the effect few days of unplugging had on my mental state. Partly because I was immersed in a new place and discovering a new surrounding, but being disconnected made me feel so free and my thoughts were much more clear and creative.

Don’t get me wrong. I love being connected via technology as much as the next person, if not more. Heck, I somehow managed to get Internet connection in my village house that didn’t have running water! Usually, I check email constantly, and like most students, I procrastinate with Facebook. In addition, I blog and I tweet. When I’m alone, I’m often signed onto instant messenger, perhaps as a way to feel the virtual presence of my friends.

Because I am always connected, I maintain relatively good contact with friends from around the world. And through various social media channels, I’ve been connected to some fascinating people. The constant connection can sometimes feel like an addiction. It takes a lot of effort for me to consciously shut everything off and focus on one task. I have yet figured out why it is so difficult. The fear of missing out? I’m not sure.

Yet while I was away, I had no desire to have any access. I was completely content to live in the present and enjoy the moments as they passed. Why then, is it so hard for me to do the same in the “real world”?

In the past few days, I finally had time to read the book that my friend Katie had so graciously sent me. It amazes me that I have friends in this day in age who would send me a book just because they saw it and thought of me! Anyway, the title is Women, Work & the Art of Savoir Faire written by Mireille Guiliano – the author who also wrote the popular book, French Women Don’t Get Fat which I’ve yet read but will order a copy soon!

The book talks about women succeeding in a man’s business world from a lifestyle angle. Appropriately enough, it talks a lot about being in the present in life since time is the most valuable commodity and also being comfortable in one’s skin - être bien dans sa peau. As I get older, I feel that time is passing ever so quickly. It’s thus important to cultivate the ability to take the most away from every moment and not be distracted and pulled in so many directions in today’s multi-tasking world.

I had a clear mindset and felt very positive after the lovely vacation and great reminders from the book, but as soon as I got home and replugged myself in technology, I feel trapped. This afternoon, I was determined to tackle the nearly 300 unread messages in my inbox that have been accumulated throughout the term. Talk about serious information overload. Half way through the 300 messages, I seriously wished I was unplugged again.

How do you manage your online-offline balance? Do you also take occasional breaks to unplug?

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Half an hour to kill. Do I read a 130-pg document on electoral voting in the UK or write something fun in my blog? Not a tough choice there.

On a Saturday morning, I was walking toward the London Bridge tube station along River Thames when I heard someone said, “oh my gawd, there is a camel!”. Tower Bridge is a popular backdrop for photo shoot and film location, so it wasn’t the first time that camera crew has been on my way somewhere along the River. But a CAMEL? I mean, after living in Cameroon for two years, I was used to bizarre things happening: pigs in the trunk, chickens in my house, you name it, and I probably have a story to top it. But a camel in central London? Now, that’s a first.

Besides the camel, I’ve noticed several things that strike me as strange here in London. Granted it’s my 3rd time living in this city, I think readjusting to the modern life from Cameroon makes it rather different. For two years, my idea of “modern life” has always been the US way of living, and now my life is deviating from what I’ve been expecting.

I’ve never really noticed that British people not only drive on the left side of the ride, but also walk on the left side of the road. Yet it’s incredibly confusing due to the large population of international people in the city. You are never quite sure what side of road you should default to, which results to a lot of bumping into strangers.

Also, you need a bank account for absolutely anything in this country – subscribe to a magazine, join a gym, get a phone contract. Yet, getting a bank account isn’t the easiest process due to much stringent regulations in the UK. And relating to this point – standing in a queue (line) is a national sport.

well, on that note, I must go learn some microeconomics. more to come!

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