Posts Tagged ‘life’

a different way of life

We are entering week 16 at the LSE, and that means the final quarter of the year. Where did time go? I am finally putting on my game face and am finally feeling the pressure of life in this “real” world. There seems to always be something going on – places I need to be, things I need to do, people I need to see. I find myself running around meeting various obligations and questioning what all the busying around is for. I no longer have time to think, to feel and to be, those were the luxury of life in Cameroon.

When I sit in development classes and hearing discussions of democracy, institutions and economic development, all I can really think about is the simplicity of my life in village. After two years of living au village, I’m extremely conflicted between modern world efficiency and the things you have to give up to reach such level of efficiency – a real community, nature, appreciating simply being alive, etc.

I don’t want to live in the past, so I am attempting to move forward. Despite all of my nostalgia, I’m putting myself out there to get my hand on the corporate ladder, to get with the program and remembering what it takes to “succeed” in this world. But when I walk around the LSE campus seeing people stressing out and discussing the horrible consequence of not getting a job with a top 15 investment bank or consulting firm, I feel sad for them. Don’t they see that there is so much more to life?

I miss living a life that always has a purpose. Peace Corps advertises itself as “the toughest job you’ll ever love”, and it’s true. It’s tough in a very different way. Living in such different environment, I was in touch with my deepest strengths and weaknesses. Yet even during my lowest moments, I could find purpose by having one simple conversation with a villager. There is something profound about the ability to change lives not through any noble act, but simply being present and converse.

Day in and day out now, I follow the motion of grad school grind, and during the low days here, I don’t know where to find inspiration and to feel purposeful again. So I look back to my pictures and draw inspiration from the past. It’s easy to become suffocated by the conventional societal pressure. But it’s important to remember, especially under high stress situations, that expectations are relative. I can only do my best to find a purpose in life for me.

Today, I miss Cameroon. They come in waves. But tomorrow is another day. Moving on, moving forward.

In between the library and my shoebox room, I did manage to do some fun things and I’ll share them in due time.

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Who is richer? A millionaire who has never left the continental U.S.? Or someone of the same age who has just enough money in the bank account for his next trip to his 150th country?

With the arrival of the new year, I am becoming ever more anxious with the upcoming decisions of graduate school admissions. Of the three rolling admissions schools, I have only received one acceptance, and agonizingly waiting for an answer from LSE and Sciences Po Paris.

Besides obsessively checking my email and logging onto my personal applicant space, I’ve also been thinking about how I will foot the bill of one of these fancy schools. The saying goes that if there is a will, there is a way. And that was the mantra I took to while applying to nothing but prestigious, and also expensive institutions. I thought, “well, if I get in, then I’ll find a way to pay for it.”

Let’s just say the process is more complicated and discouraging than imagined. Many of the scholarships and fellowships I have researched target toward citizens of developing nations and I can’t express how frustrating to be LIVING in one for past 20 months, working at the ground level, and still NOT be eligible for these awards base solely on the country of my passport.

The search of funding leads to bigger questions. Is it worth a big price tag to have an education that I’ve always dreamed of? Having debt already accumulated from undergraduate also sets me back quite a bit, and the question is, are the loans worth the experiences I had? Absolutely.

I was fortunate to have received several scholarships that funded my undergraduate education, thus most of the loans were to finance living expenses and the extensive travel that I did abroad. Sure, I could’ve been more frugal, eat a lot more ramen, traveled a lot less, etc., but if the world ends tomorrow, I will know that I have lived to the fullest and experienced all that I could within reason.

To what extent do we need to be “practical” and at what point do we “live in the moment” and seize experiences in the world? These questions have been circling my head with my time in the Peace Corps rapidly coming to an end, the next step dangerously close in sight, the future and that scary place that is modern society awaiting me.

I read Tuesdays with Morrie in one day this week. And this quote has been on my mind:

So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.

Something to really think about.

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A few weeks ago, I watched two of my favorite movies starring Audrey Hepburn – Funny Face and Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I had two thoughts after watching these movies. 1.) They sure don’t make movies like that anymore. 2.) I still believe in great romance, and despite of my will to help others, I still pine for a life with luxury and high fashion.

I am never going to be the kind of girl who gives up all her material possessions for the well-being of others. I am just no Mother Theresa. As selfish as that may come off, I think it’s more important to be true to myself. I can still continue to contribute to the world, but simply in a different manner.

Tonight, I discovered a great blog – Live the Charmed Life with a great post on lesson learned from Audrey Hepburn. Some of it really spoke to me, and is the way I’ve been living my life, or at least strive to. Below are some that really stood out to me.

Smile

A black turtleneck looks great on anyone

It’s always alright to be a lady, even in the toughest of businesses and during the toughest of times.

Help others

Pour everything you have into your work

True style is in its simplicity

Fall madly in love

Laugh often

Travel everywhere

Dancing is the best way to stay fit

Always wear lipstick

This is the person I strive to become – a lady of great style, poise, wit and compassion.

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