Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

Before I get into this post, let me just preface by saying that I’ve always been a huge skeptic on any type of relationship advice that appears in any publication. I’m the girl who reads women magazines and think they are a load of BS. When I was 18, I read He’s Just Not That Into You and thought it was the biggest load of crap ever.

I thought I had a pretty good grasp on understanding the male psyche, until my friend told me about this book written by a comedian, Steve Harvey. He keeps it real, and tell it like it is in a refreshingly no-nonsense way. Individually, each of the take away seems to make sense, but there is something about the way he just lays them out there that really hit home. Not sure if this applies to European men, or men of various cultures, but it sure seem to be spot on for our American counterparts.

If a guy is telling me all these, they must be pretty true, no?

1.Let men be men. Men know that we the women possess some sort of super power that allow us to put on different hats. From the beginning of the time, men have been the provider of the family and the protector. Meanwhile, women have always had an important role in a family and society. This sociological makeup does not suddenly vanish in the 21st century, where women now have crazy degrees, jobs, etc. The secret is maintaining a woman’s power in a society (and relationship) by playing in a man’s language.

2.Three things define a man: Who he is, What he does, and How much he makes. Until what defines a man is on track and they feel like they have control over these things, a woman has no significant place in a man’s life. That’s not to say a man can’t feel like a man being a stay-at-home dad. But that dad has to be very comfortable with who he is (a dad), what he does (care for his children) and how much he makes (nothing).

3. Contrary to all the chick-flicks in the world, a man loves very simply. They profess, provide, and protect. Men probably won’t sit around and gaze into our eyes and tell us they love us all day long, while stroking our hair. But they are likely to tell their friends that we are his girl, lady, woman, etc (profess), pay for things when he can afford it (provide), and make sure no one disrespects you, make sure you are warm enough, and do things around that house that he deems too “dangerous” for you (protect).

4. Be a lady. We often complain how men today aren’t chivalrous as men once were. Yet we are too busy proving we are super women to let men pay for us, fix our plumbing, or open our doors. Of course we can afford to pay for our own meals, read a DYI book and fix our own toilet, and open our own doors. We are capable of doing anything that men can. But let men be men. Let them protect and provide for us, and just sit back, relax, and be a lady.

5. Men need support, loyalty and “the cookie”. Men aren’t just gonna fix your toilets, pay for your outings, and open doors all day for nothing. Men is out there being men all day, sizing up against others, fighting in the modern jungle to be more successful. He just wants someone to ask how his day was and show some appreciation (support). They don’t need flowers or presents, or whatever that we women need. Fighting out there in the modern jungle is hard, and a man just wants to know that you’ll be there if he doesn’t win a battle and gets laid off, gets sicks, etc. He just needs to know we aren’t gonna run to the next successful men who can bring home the bacon when he can’t (loyalty). Finally, don’t be stingy in the bedroom (the cookie). Men are men. They have needs (as do women).

6. Don’t pull “We Need to Talk” and leave girl talk with the girls. This is a classic mistake that we do. We get frustrated and want to over-analyze the hell out of everything. Men do not. They want to FIX-IT and move on. If there is a problem, just sit down and discuss it. Don’t give them a warming saying “we need to talk”, because they’ll run around wondering what they did wrong and freak out. If you want to complain just for the sake of complaining and over-analyzing, go to the girls. If men can’t fix what you are complaining about, then they will be annoyed at you.

There are a lot more to the book, but these are the main points that really stood out to me. When our boyfriend becomes our best friend, they are still a boy. We can’t treat them like our girl best friend! I’ve been incredibly independent my entire life, and I lost sight of the fact that men just want to be men. I can still be highly independent and successful, but to keep the man around, I just gotta chill out sometimes and be a lady.

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For years now, since Freshman year of college, I have been traveling. I haven’t spent a full year anywhere except for right now, where I’m in Cameroon, West Africa. My time in university was broken up between a summer in France, a semester in London, and another summer back in London. I thrive on the change and the unknown that each adventure brings. Today, in reading a blog post titling Change Love And Hate, I realized I am classified as a “change lover” – my mood oscillates between deep frustration and extreme happiness; I know little bit of many things; I have many weak ties and my spontaneity leads me to less informed decisions.

Many people of my generation, “the Gen Y”, are often globetrotters who thrive on exciting challenges of situating oneself outside of their comfort zone. Despite how globalization and technology is shrinking the world, it is still vast and presents endless opportunities. To me, the mere idea of “settling down” means forgo experiencing lives in other parts of the world. I once set a goal to live on all continents minus Antarctica (I was born in the tropics, not a fan of the extreme cold! ). This goal would have been lofty for many people of previous generations, but for us, it’s wildly attainable. I, myself, has already lived on 4.

I like the idea of experiencing a culture from a local perspective. That includes learning the language, mingling with locals, etc. Taking 2-3 week vacation somewhere would absolutely not allow me to experiencing new lives in my preferred method. That’s why “settling down” is so scary to me.

Fortunately, in today’s world, if I put my mind to it, I can absolutely carve a career out of living a few years in different countries around the world. I have done enough research to know it is very possible. However, my concern lies not within the professional aspect of a globetrotter, but in the personal.

The social aspect of being a globetrotting Gen Y is not as easy as it appears. Yes, traveling around the world puts me in contact with a variety of wildly fascinating people. Yet with each move comes the need to recreate a social circle from scratch. Since I thrive on change, that’s not much of a problem, albeit not always easy, especially with culture and language barriers.

My one and only concern as a globetrotter is whether I’ll ever be able to have a steady romantic relationship and eventually create a family. This is one issue I rarely see discussed in international career discussions. Does fulfilling my desire to experience the vast world mean I will have to forgo on lasting relationship and family? Are those reserved only for those who are willing to “settle down”? The difficulty is quite obvious. I am always on the move, and I meet people who, while share many of the same interests as a fellow traveler, are also on the move. Creating and sustaining a meaningful relationship with another person when both people are roaming around the globe is not so easy. With all the articles out there on managing an international career, are there ones that tell you how to manage a globetrotting career and also a relationship? Can I have my cake and eat it, too?

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